Submission & Servanthood in Marriage

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This blog post, the first of 2020 (yay!!), has been brought to you by Facebook! Recently, a young man got into it with me and others. His first mistake was to tell me—a new Facebook “friend” addition—that he was my head as well as the head of another young lady. 

He arrived at this conclusion, not because we had a relationship (we don’t); not because he has a title, position, or mantle (he doesn’t); but because he was a man and we were mere women.

Yep. You read that right. I am apparently a weak, fragile, helpless woman in need of guidance and leadership from a man I have never spoken more than a few words to.

Heaven, help us.

Perverting Scripture  

This is a dangerous man. Dangerous because he governs himself with his ego and his genitalia. And it is these that have provided him with a perverse “understanding” of Scripture to think that every woman is subject to every man simply because they are men.  

The perversion of Scripture runs so deep that he could quote an appropriate Scripture highlighting submission, and yet manage to skip right over commonsensical phrases that are listed over and over. He referenced Ephesians 5:23. But as I am prone to say, context is everything. So let’s examine verses 22-33 to gain a fuller understanding.

“Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body.

Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything.

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her, that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish. So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church. For we are members of His body, of His flesh and of His bones. “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church. Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.” — ‭‭Ephesians‬ ‭5:22-33‬

Wife, Submit to YOUR Husband

Our confused friend tried to use verse 23 to prove his premise that all women are subject to all men:

For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body.

This verse alone disproves his point. The apostle Paul states, “…the husband is the head of the wife…” If he is not your husband (or your father, or your spiritual leadership), then he has no spiritual authority or headship over you. The husband is the head of the wife. Ladies, if he has not made a covenant with you, he cannot cover you as your head and thus, you owe him no submission. Now let’s look at the verse before that.

Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. (v. 22)

Scripture specifically tells wives to submit to THEIR OWN HUSBANDS. It does not say that WOMEN must submit to someone else’s husband. SUBMIT TO YOUR OWN HUSBAND. The man who has made a covenant with you before God and man. That is the man you submit yourself to.

Submission Starts with the Husband

And you will notice that the paragraph following does not say that a wife has to agree with everything her husband says. It does not say that submission outlines cooking, cleaning, “freaking” (pardon the crassness), breeding, or child-rearing. It does not say that the woman is there to domestically serve the man. Quite the contrary. In actuality—true to the nature of Scripture—it addresses the man’s role.

It does not include lording the headship position over his wife. No, indeed. Jesus Himself—the Head of the man and woman—overruled that kind of leadership when He spoke to the disciples at the Last Supper. He said,

But Jesus called them to Himself and said, “You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and those who are great exercise authority over them. Yet it shall not be so among you; but whoever desires to become great among you, let him be your servant. And whoever desires to be first among you, let him be your slave— just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many.” — ‭‭Matthew‬ ‭20:25-28‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

In essence, Jesus said tyranny and forced submission—domination—was not His Spirit; it wasn’t His fruit and it wasn’t His desire for His followers to operate that way. If Jesus gave that as a directive for what not to do in church leadership, how much more so for godly marriages?

The apostle Paul was describing a “leading with love” scenario where the husband deeply cherishes his wife, serves her, and helps cultivate her spiritual growth. And in case you had any doubt, Paul ends the passage and the chapter by stating,

Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband. (v. 33)

The husband is to love his wife.

The wife is to respect her husband.

This doesn’t mean a husband shouldn’t respect his wife or that a wife shouldn’t love her husband. Rather, it emphasizes what each partner requires most based on the makeup of their respective genders.

Bearing Witness, Establishing Truth

The Bible tells us that out of the mouth of two or three witnesses, every word must be established (Deut. 19:15). The apostle Paul does not only address marital submission to in his epistle to the Ephesians, but also to the Colossians. He stated:

Wives, be subject to your husbands [out of respect for their position as protector, and their accountability to God], as is proper and fitting in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives [with an affectionate, sympathetic, selfless love that always seeks the best for them] and do not be embittered or resentful toward them [because of the responsibilities of marriage]. — Colossians 3:18-19 AMP

Biblegateway.com provides an interesting footnote for verse 18, stating:

The wife is to submit voluntarily to her husband (not to men in general); not as inferior to him, nor in violation of her Christian ethics, but honoring her husband’s responsibilities and authority as head of the household. (AMP)

This commentary reinforces that women are not subject to men in general, but that wives are to submit to their respective husbands. Submission is not a gender-based birthright. It is something that must be understood and driven by compassion, not by entitlement, ego, arrogance, fear, or hatred. 

The apostle Peter addresses the issue of marital submission as well.

“In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands [subordinate, not as inferior, but out of respect for the responsibilities entrusted to husbands and their accountability to God, and so partnering with them] …”

“In the same way, you husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way [with great gentleness and tact, and with an intelligent regard for the marriage relationship], as with someone physically weaker, since she is a woman. Show her honor and respect as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered or ineffective.” — ‭‭1 Peter‬ ‭3:1, 7‬ ‭AMP‬

Peter provides marital wisdom from heaven and, we can safely presume, from his own personal experience, and backs up the words of the single apostle, Paul. Wives, submit to your own husband. Husbands, seek to understand and respect your wife. Why? So God will hear and answer your prayers.

Peter also states that the wife is the “fellow heir” of the grace of life. Not a lesser heir, but a fellow heir. She is equal—divinely different, yet no less worthy, capable, or significant in the eyes of God.

“There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free, there is neither male nor female; for you are all one in Christ Jesus.” — ‭‭Galatians‬ ‭3:28‬

Woman’s gender and frame is not a reason to shame, belittle, or disrespect her, but rather to honour her because she is different and necessary. God created times and seasons, boundaries and parameters, genders and positions to govern the inner-workings of the various kingdoms comprising this temporal world.

Joint-Dominion

Man—humanity—is God’s crowning creation. Male and female, He created US to be His ambassadors on the earth (Gen. 1:27-28). We are BOTH His image and likeness in the earth. Women were made for dominion just as men were. Our joint-dominion extends over all the creation of the world itself…except people. Lording over other humans is a result of the curse of sin (Gen. 3:16b). Before the curse, husband and wife ruled together. After the curse, husband and wife were at odds. Yet through the remission of sins and acceptance of Christ’s sacrifice, we can overcome our base sin nature and any curses attached to it.

Christ has redeemed us from the curse of the law, having become a curse for us (for it is written, “Cursed is everyone who hangs on a tree’), that the blessing of Abraham might come upon the Gentiles in Christ Jesus, that we might receive the promise of the Spirit through faith.” — ‭‭Galatians‬ ‭3:13-14‬ 

This promise is meant to affect every aspect of our lives; not just church; not just spirituality. And yet, it is a healthy exercise of spirituality to love God and your spouse; to serve God and your spouse; to honour God and your spouse.

Men, you do not have to dominate your wives. Women, you do not have to submit to domination. And single women, in particular, it is your job to pay attention and discern whether or not a man is worth submitting to at all. You should not submit to marry a man who does not exemplify Christlikeness and biblical leadership. It doesn’t matter how much you love him or how he attempts or claims to love you. Your life will be a living hell with an unchristlike husband. 

THE MEN SPEAK

While now is more than ever the time to hear women’s voices and see us rise to our God-given positions, this will never happen without strong “men with chests” as C.S. Lewis would say who will defend the fairer sex and clear the way for us to speak. For us to speak freely, securely, and safely, men must speak to other men. 

Men must decry the domineering characteristics and tendencies of other men. Men must confront the spiritual, emotional, and mental sickness of “men without chests.” Men must speak on behalf of women in the private rooms we have been barred from entering. Men must defend us when their sex will not hear us. Men must clear the way. And the sad truth is, many men will hear the truth from women, and shut them down simply because it came from a woman. 

So until these men can be reprogrammed by putting on the mind of Christ and being transformed by the renewing of their minds, they must hear other men. With that in mind, I want you to hear the definition and breakdown of biblical submission within marriage from some men that I trust. 

WILLIAM FORD

Minister & Author

While the Bible says for wives to submit themselves to their husbands, the onus of that submission is placed on the stewardship of the male. For example, it’s interesting that in Ephesians 5, the woman isn’t told to love her husband, but rather the husband is told to love his wife. I believe the reason for this is that wives more readily focus their intention and attention on their husbands, while husbands are easily distracted with focusing on other areas of life and many times don’t adequately discern when and how to prioritize time and attention on their wives.  This is why in Ephesians 5, there are only three verses focusing on the woman and her role, while there are seven scriptures focusing on the husband’s responsibility to not only love his wife, but also to lay down his life for her. When this relationship is properly aligned, there is freedom through submission for the wife who has a husband who is following the Ephesians 5 mandate from the apostle Paul.

CHAZDON STRICKLAND

Apostle & Pastor

Biblical submission means that marriage should not turn wives into house slaves. True submission is based on God’s Kingdom model of leadership which is exemplified by Christ washing the feet of His disciples. The disciples are submitted to Him, yet Jesus is washing their feet. Submitting to one another looks like serving each other, not ruling over each other. The greater my authority is, the more I am held responsible to be a servant, and marriage only works when husbands as well as wives understand this.

I hope that this has helped you to gain a better understanding of biblical submission and what it actually looks like. Fellas, raise the standard! And ladies, be mindful of who you submit to! Each of us will have to answer to Christ, the Head of the Church. 

P.S. I’m the host of a new podcast called The Desirée Show! This week, I am introducing my brand new #ApostlesUnleashed podcast series that I’ve kicked off with my brother, Apostle Chazdon Strickland! Listen, subscribe, favourite, comment, and share!