Toxic Femininity: What Is It and Is Toxic Masculinity to Blame?
Months ago, an acquaintance of mine posted a question on Facebook asking what toxic femininity was. I admit, I was baffled. I’d never in my life thought of the phrase “toxic femininity.” I struggled to consider what it might mean, so I googled it. And you know what came up? Toxic masculinity. (The nerve, right?!) Apparently, now you can google the phrase and this is what I came up with:
We hear a considerable amount about toxic masculinity but far less about toxic femininity, and some doubt that it exists. First, a definition: Women expressing stereotypically “feminine” traits such as “passivity, empathy, sensuality, patience, tenderness, and receptivity … [which] result in individuals ignoring their mental or physical needs to sustain those around them … Toxic femininity is when one works to the benefit of others but to the detriment of themselves. It can appear as forms of depression, exhaustion, or wildly illogical solutions to complex problems.” (By “to the benefit of others,” writers nearly always mean “to the benefit of men.”)
Far fewer media or academic attention has been devoted to toxic femininity than to toxic masculinity. Indeed, in response to her readers, freelance journalist Katie Anthony raised the question, “Is toxic femininity a thing?" She proposed that there is no simple answer because in our society, femininity is not highly prized and is thus inconsequential; if it exists in men, then it is punishable. Hence, femininity is inherently toxic.
“Toxic femininity," if it exists, she wrote, "encourages silent acceptance of violence and domination in order to survive ... It’s a thing women do to keep our value, which the patriarchy has told us is conditional upon our ability to bear violent domination … Toxic masculinity also makes women feel locked into a performance of their gender bereft of the normal impulses we have toward independence, sexual agency, anger, volume, messiness, ugliness, and being a tough bird to swallow."
If women display toxic feminine traits then these are tactics women use to survive oppressive misogyny—or they suffer from internalized misogyny. (PsychologyToday.com)
Also, the article, “Is there anything ‘toxic’ about femininity?” states:
In recent years there has been rising popular discourse around ‘toxic masculinity’, and the problems of a hegemonic (ruling, dominant in a political or societal context) gender structure that facilitates male violence and misogyny. In the public debate over whether toxic masculinity is fact or fiction, ‘toxic femininity’ is often raised by men’s rights activists and others as an anti-feminist retort, to suggest that women can be ‘toxic’ too. This paper provides a sketch of how the term has been used so far, in tandem with an overview of the limitations of the more extensively discussed idea of ‘toxic masculinity’. This paper suggests that rather than deploying ‘toxic femininity’, it is more useful to consider what might be ‘toxic’ about some approaches to femininity. (TandFOnline.com)
Just the fact that the word toxic is placed within quotes ONLY when in the context of feminine toxicity versus masculine shows you the inherent bias of the author of this abstract. SMH. Another article states:
It’s the manager who verbally abuses teammates and then blames pre-menstrual syndrome, it’s the lover who withholds sex until she gets her way about a vacation, it’s the counsellor who empathizes so deeply with a client that she tells her to file a false rape case. Toxic femininity is when women use their gender to obtain certain privileges. It is when noxious, indirect modes of confrontation are masked with gentleness. It is when empathy turns into ethical shortsightedness. Just like toxic masculinity, toxic femininity is the product of a deeply patriarchal society and systems and thus requires greater examination….
Traditionally feminine values such as empathy, compassion, nurturance, team-playing—whether they are expressed in men or women—are already being valorized, with good reason, as being generally better for society. However, just as we erred by placing male traits on a pedestal (look where that got us!), we also need to exercise caution when we extol feminine virtues.
Thing is, men and women are part of the same species. It’s just that we’ve been conditioned differently and so our gendered pathologies are different. Men have long had a physical and social advantage, allowing them to aggress more forcefully and openly. Women have been deeply and systematically oppressed so they have had to hone their skills in subtler but also devastating forms of warfare.
Just as toxic masculinity harms men and women, so does toxic femininity. Except that toxic femininity has not really been unpacked in mainstream discourse, except for the poorly thought through rantings of men’s rights groups. This is because in many cultures women have only recently started entering positions of power and leadership in the public sphere. (News18.com)
What I find interesting about these definitions and breakdowns of toxic masculinity is that two of these three articles still blame toxic femininity on toxic masculinity; they still paint women as the innocent victims and men as the violent oppressors. And even the third article still contains some inherently assumptive and problematic nuances.
And you know what? I believe that in and of itself, that is a form of toxic femininity.
While the third article presents a fairly decent definition of toxic femininity, I still feel it is necessary to further define this term.
What Is Toxic Femininity?
Toxic femininity is the expression of typically feminine traits with negative intent and outcomes. It’s the seedy underbelly of femininity. Just as toxic masculinity is the negative expression of masculine traits, so toxic femininity is the negative expression of feminine traits. It’s weaponized femininity.
Healthy v. Toxic Feminine Traits
Influence v. Manipulation
Persuasion v. Nagging
Invitation v. Seduction
Attracting v. Charming
Reliance v. Instigation
Trustworthy v. Weaponizing Secrets
Communication v. Gossip
Seeking Security v. Gold-Digging
Allow me to break these traits and comparisons down, yet before doing so, I want to state that while many of these traits can and are displayed in the opposite gender, they are more primarily associated with femininity, toxic or otherwise.
Influence v. Manipulation
Influence - the power or capacity of causing an effect in indirect or intangible ways: sway; the act or power of producing an effect without apparent exertion of force or direct exercise of command; an emanation of spiritual or moral force; to affect or alter by indirect or intangible means; to have an effect on the condition or development of.
Synonyms: affect, impact, impress, move, reach, strike, sway, tell (on), touch.
Manipulation - to control or play upon by artful, unfair, or insidious means especially to one's own advantage; to change by artful or unfair means so as to serve one's purpose: doctor.
Synonyms: exploit, play (upon).
The influential power of women on men, children, and even other women is meant to be used for good. Encouragement, edification, and admonition should be in the form of influence, yet in a negative context, it becomes manipulation: coercion, manipulation, intimidation, domination, and seduction for the sake of their own way (which is witchcraft, BTW).
Persuasion v. Nagging
Persuasion - the act or process or an instance of persuading; a persuading argument; the ability to persuade: persuasiveness.
Synonym: conversion, convincing, inducement, inducing, persuading, suasion.
Nagging - persistently annoying or finding fault with someone; causing continual or recurring worry or anxiety; causing continual or recurring pain or discomfort.
Synonyms: discomforting, discomposing, disquieting, distressing, disturbing, nasty, perturbing, troublesome, troubling, troublous, unsettling, upsetting, worrisome.
The power of persuasion, like influence, is particularly poignant in a woman! However, when persuasion crosses over to nagging, it becomes a never-ending drip and weapon against the listener. King Solomon said, “A continual dripping on a very rainy day And a contentious woman are alike…” and “...the contentions of a wife are a continual dripping,” (Prov. 27:15, 19:13).
Invitation v. Seduction
Invitation - the act of inviting; an often formal request to be present or participate; incentive; inducement; a written or spoken request for someone to go somewhere or to do something; something that encourages someone to do something or that makes something more likely to happen.
Synonym: invite, interview, get-together, meeting, call, visit, schedule, appointment, assignation, date, engagement, rendezvous, tryst, summons, process, subpoena, arrangement; catalyst, catalyzer, fuel, spark, boost, encouragement, goad, incitation, incitement, momentum, motivation, provocation, spur, stimulant, yeast, activator, animator, driver, energizer, executor, generator, impetus, incentive, inspiration, instigation, instigator, launcher, mover, power, stimulus, trigger, inducement, antecedent, cause, consideration, grounds, motive, occasion, reason.
Seduction - the act of seducing; especially: the enticement of a person to sexual intercourse; something that seduces: temptation; something that attracts or charms.
Synonyms: allurement, enticement, lure, temptation.
While the concept of an invitation and being inviting is neutral and fully dependent upon the motive and nature of the invitation, the concept of an invitation is that someone can choose to receive or reject it...and their decision is respected. However, when a woman crosses from invitation to seduction, it is a temptation or allurement that pays no heed to the other person’s protests and declines. “No means no” doesn’t matter to a seductress. Whether patient or pushy, seduction will press weak sexual points until the object of the seduction gives in to the seduction.
Attracting v. Charming
Attracting - to cause to approach or adhere: such as; to pull to or draw toward oneself or itself; to draw by appeal to natural or excited interest, emotion, or aesthetic sense: entice; to exercise attraction.
Synonyms: attract, allure, charm, captivate, fascinate, enchant.
Charming - extremely pleasing or delightful: entrancing; to affect by or as if by magic: compel; to please, soothe, or delight by compelling attraction.
Synonyms: alluring, appealing, attractive, bewitching, captivating, charismatic, elfin, enchanting, engaging, entrancing, fascinating, fetching, glamorous (also glamourous), luring, magnetic, seductive. Also, allure, beguile, bewitch, captivate, enchant, fascinate, kill, magnetize, wile, witch [archaic].
A beautiful or otherwise appealing woman will naturally attract male attention and even attention in general. However, when attraction or being attractive is weaponized against the opposite sex, it can become a dangerous trap or “pit” in a spiritual, emotional, mental, or physical context.
Reliance v. Instigation
Reliance - the act of relying : the state of being reliant.
Synonyms: anchor, buttress, dependence (also dependance), mainstay, pillar, standby.
Instigation - to goad or urge forward: provoke.
Synonyms: abet, brew, ferment, foment, incite, pick, provoke, raise, stir (up), whip (up).
A woman should be able to rely upon the men in her life, in particular her father or husband, and when needed, he should come to her defense. However, when a woman knows that the man in her life will come running to her aid if she says the word and she provokes trouble willy nilly just because she can, then she is exploiting the fact that she can rely on him and that’s toxic.
Trustworthy v. Weaponizing Secrets
Trustworthy - worthy of confidence: dependable.
Synonyms: calculable, dependable, good, reliable, responsible, safe, secure, solid, steady, sure, tried, tried-and-true, true, trustable, trusty.
Untrustworthy - not dependable or worthy of confidence: not trustworthy; not able to be trusted.
Synonyms: ambidextrous, crooked, defrauding, dishonest, dissembling, double-dealing, duplicitous, faithless, fast, fraudulent, knavish, lying, mendacious, untruthful, beguiling, deceitful, deceiving, deceptive, deluding, delusive, delusory, fallacious, false, misleading, specious, artful, crafty, cunning, devious, foxy, guileful, shady, shifty, slick, sly, sneaking, sneaky, subtile, subtle, trick, trickish, tricky, underhand, underhanded, wily, inaccurate, incorrect, wrong, bewildering, confounding, distracting, perplexing, puzzling, bogus, counterfeit, fake, feigned, forged, jive [slang], phony (also phoney), sham, spurious, insidious, perfidious, treacherous, ambiguous, circuitous, equivocal, evasive, artificial, backhanded, hypocritical, insincere, left-handed, two-faced
If you ask any man what traits in a woman are most valuable, among the highest of them would be that she is trustworthy. This goes hand-in-hand with being his peace as well as being discerning. The Book of Proverbs states, “The heart of her husband safely trusts her...” (v. 11). So if the heart of your husband doesn’t safely trust you, it’s very likely that—barring any standing trust issues on his part—you haven’t proven yourself to be a safe space for him. It’s possible that you either ran your mouth about the sensitive things he shared with you in a vulnerable moment (see “Communication v. Gossip”) or you used his vulnerability or weakness against him in the heat of an argument. This is dangerous because if a man can’t trust his significant other, who can he trust? And in these circumstances, a man will either shut down or leave altogether.
Communication v. Gossip
Communication - a process by which information is exchanged between individuals through a common system of symbols, signs, or behavior; also: exchange of information.
Synonyms: dispatch, message; contact, hold, touch.
Gossip - a person who habitually reveals personal or sensational facts about others; rumor or report of an intimate nature; a chatty talk.
Synonyms: circulator, gossiper, gossipmonger, newsmonger, quidnunc, talebearer, tale-teller, telltale, yenta.
Most women are natural-born communicators. On average, we talk four times as much as men. This is because our fairer sex tends to value relationships over accomplishments and material gain. That said, when communication is idle, without discernment, or negatively intended, it can often turn to gossip or worse, slander. In other words, what is intended to be a gift to enrich connections between people can morph into a weapon to destroy them, intentionally or otherwise.
Seeking Security v. Gold-Digging
Security - the quality or state of being secure: such as freedom from danger: safety; freedom from fear or anxiety; something that secures: protection.
Synonyms: aegis (also egis), ammunition, armor, buckler, cover, defense, guard, protection, safeguard, screen, shield, wall, ward.
Gold-Digging - a person whose romantic pursuit of, relationship with, or marriage to a wealthy person is primarily or solely motivated by a desire for money; opportunist.
Synonym: opportunistic.
Women were divinely designed to seek security. It’s natural for a woman to want to be provided for or taken care of. And the context of this security is more than just financial; it’s spiritual, emotional, mental, and physical as well. However, when a woman crosses from strategically seeking security to straight-up gold-digging, her intent is simply to get taken care of financially; no genuine connection, no spiritual leadership, no emotional stability, perhaps even no concern for her physical safety or well-being. She just wants things; not the man who could provide her with those things. And while this may come about for a host of reasons, it’s nonetheless toxic.
Disclaimers
Again, many of these traits can and are demonstrated by men. However, by and large, they are associated with and demonstrated by women. An effeminate man may gossip and a highly attractive man may be dangerously charming, yet there is still a very feminine bent to these traits.
Manipulation and seduction (seduction being a form of manipulation) can and is often practiced by men of all sorts. Yet the way in which it is done caters more to masculine traits of domination, intimidation, and perhaps coercion via physical/domestic abuse, sexual abuse, and financial abuse. You don’t often hear stories of women threatening to keep the children if the husband wants to leave or of taking away her partner’s access to their bank accounts, transportation, and phone/internet. And with cases of sexual abuse, unless it is a child, a woman is more inclined to accomplish rape through the aid of drugs than to physically overtake a man while jogging, entering his car, or sleeping in his home. It’s just not possible in most cases for a woman to rape a man by sheer physical force because we are indeed the weaker vessel in that regard.
Is Toxic Masculinity to Blame for Toxic Femininity?
Yes and no.
Yes, in the sense that when one considers the ages of patriarchy (male domination) and its toll on society and women, in particular, it is easy to see how women have learned to resort to these more emotionally and verbally aggressive measures to defend themselves or even just to get their way. Women were not the primary ones wearing the crown or sitting in the rooms of power down through the ages. So the art of manipulation, seduction, and slanderous gossip would have been passed down by many generations of women either intentionally or otherwise.
And when considering the subject of gold-diggers, it is very understandable to see how this perversion of seeking security came to be. If women were merely familial, tribal, political, and even religious pawns in the eyes of men great and small; if they were chosen, not on the basis of personal value or even physical attraction in some cases, but because of who they were related to and what they represented in a socio-economic sense, I can easily see how many generations of women would have removed emotion from the prospect of marriage.
Also, marriage became hugely about financial security. In an age such as the Victorian Era where women of particular economic status and birth were seen as a drain on the family funds if they remained unmarried, if their future very literally became uncertain and the prospect of a gradual sink to poverty loomed over them the older the became, it is easy to see how the socio-economic security of marriage overshadowed any thoughts of romance or whatever was considered of intangible, personal value. So in those regards, yes, I think aspects of toxic femininity are inextricably connected to toxic masculinity and, in fact, the fault—HISTORICALLY SPEAKING—of toxic masculinity.
However, in December 2020, can we really still blame toxic femininity on men in truth? I think not. If I choose to manipulate or seduce instead of influence, if I try to charm rather than attract, if I am contentious, if I intentionally provoke male physical aggression then cry for male assistance, if I try to destroy a man’s reputation with my words because I didn’t like the outcome of our relationship, if I charm you into trusting me and I carelessly or intentionally break your trust, then that it is ultimately, MY FAULT.
While familial traits, familiar spirits, and personal or familial strongholds may play a role, I ultimately, have only myself to blame. I can’t blame my slanderous gossip on the patriarchy. I can’t blame a man for the sinful weaknesses in myself. I can’t continue to propagate a lie against the entire male sex because it makes me feel better about my poor personal choices.
It’s time for women to take personal responsibility for the times we have been toxic in the way that only a woman can be.
Boys II Women: The Feminization of Men
Another aggressively toxic feminine trait that must be placed squarely on the shoulders of the modern-day feminist movement is this idea that the world will be better and safer if boys act more like girls and if men take on more feminine traits. The world doesn’t need more women. The world doesn’t need boys who are treated like girls and punished if they act like boys. And the world most certainly doesn’t need another passive, boyish, or beta man. The world needs more men. Authentic men. Strong men. GODLY men.
“The devaluation of masculinity won’t end well because feminine, passive men don’t stop evil. Passive men don’t defend, protect or provide. Passive men don’t lead. Passive men don’t do the things we have always needed men to do for society to thrive.” (PragerU)
Women, instead of continually being triggered by and attacking men and masculinity, let’s instead own our shortcomings as a gender—as wives, mothers, daughters, sisters, and friends—and let’s elevate ourselves above this divisive, unnecessarily aggressive, and downright unseemly behaviour.
When we attack men, we are really attacking ourselves. When we attack men, we lose. When we attack men, we run the risk of leaving ourselves uncovered, unsecured, and unprotected because the very ones we need are the ones we are driving away. And even if they don’t physically leave, many of them are still checked out spiritually, emotionally, and mentally...which may very be why you feel like your husband only gets close to you when he wants sex. (But that’s another conversation for another day.)
Men aren’t perfect, but they are necessary. We must give them the encouragement and the opportunity to grow as men with other men, raising our boys into men, and loving and caring for us as they can only do as men.
All masculinity is not toxic. If you love men like you say you do, then stop perpetuating this lie and start acknowledging and even owning the wounds caused to men by women.
Finally, authentic femininity is BEAUTIFUL! It’s perfect and lovely and wonderful and has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with modern-day feminism! Femininity is a divine gift from God to the male half of our species. When done right, we are a gift to other women as well. Today, ask God to shine a light on your own heart and to purge any toxic femininity that might be there while continuing to mold you into His perfect image.
